12 Common Ways of Disconnecting

Once you begin to track this list of the ways that people move out of connection, you will see it happening every single day.

Have you ever closely examined the ways that people fall out of connection? She says, I’m really hurt by what you said...

A conversation gets intense, passionate, emotionally charged, and there is a moment where people lose curiosity, and shift from openness and engagement into defense. The moment that our deep neural platforms shift from detection of safety (neuroception of safety) to detection of threat (neuroception of danger), our physiology totally changes. What people do in these situations says a lot about our particular nervous systems, as well as how we were socialized, as well as our social locations, power, privilege, status, our attachment status, etc.

Some people, in these situations, get confrontational. They attempt to exert power. They get louder, more forceful. Their hands come up in front of them in a defensive posture. They attack. I only said it because you…! Or they defend. I feel like you are attacking me! Other people diminish your experience. You’re too sensitive. Some people go to thinking. I think you’re taking it too personally... Other people change the subject. What are we having for lunch? Some people change the frame of the conversation. It may have hurt you, but is that really a bad thing? Isn’t getting hurt part of life? Other people try to appease you. I don’t want to hurt you. Or tell you that you misunderstood. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. Some people fall apart, or get lost in confusion, or emotion, or guilt. I’m such a bad person. How could I have said that to you? I feel terrible about myself. Subconscious or not, these are all learned and tactical ways of breaking connection, and all of us have patterns in terms of how we react to and shut down connection when things get uncomfortable. It’s a really powerful practice to de-construct these.

What is healthy is staying in connection, being accountable, taking responsibility for our impacts, and being curious. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I can see that my words impacted you. What part of what I said hurt you? I can see that you are feeling unsafe. What can we do to make it safer for you? If you are interested in this work, our mentor Lee Mun Wah’s anti-racist mindful facilitation work is the best we know of.

Related Practices:

Fundamentally, this practice is connected to all practices of Connecting to Others. From the practices homepage, you can visit a broad variety of these practices. In a more moment-to-moment way, learning to track connection and disconnection is a subset of the skills required in relational mindfulness. We've been working with a variety of mentors and advisors to conceptualize and map this terrain of relational mindfulness and healthy relationships, including master mindfulness and diversity trainer Lee Mun Wah and transformational couples therapist Dr. David Mars. Both of their work is featured in our film series, and comprises the primary series on relationships. This begins with our film with Dr. Mars entitled Healthy Relationships. That film is focused more on intimate relationships with partners, though it is generally applicable. It introduces the concept of focusing on building safety and connection in relationship, and staying within a window of tolerance. The next film, The Space Between Us, is largely for folks from dominant (in the United States this means white) culture, and is about taking ownership of our own social location. We then have two films about race, and relating across difference. An Unfinished Conversation about Race, and The Faces We Fear.